It occurred to me many times over the past month that I had not blogged. (I didn't know it had been this long!) I thought of many things to write about, and many things on which to opine - but I never did. I'm not sure why completely, but I know one good reason...I didn't want to write another huge rant about the country, politics, or even current issues. I have grown weary of them. And yet, I continued to obsess over them. That is a real problem for me. If something, anything gets into my head, I can't flush it out quick enough. It sticks around for far too long. Presumably, one of the many reasons I blog, right? But I couldn't do it these past weeks. I couldn't continue to rant & rave, though I had much to go on and on about. I mean the election, the economy, job worries, the economy, energy crisis, the economy, bogus climate change, the economy...and oh did I mention, the economy (you know, the part of our world that is in a difficult time, but not Depression-era times or even Carter-era times despite the pundits). Anyway, I just decided I didn't want to write about those depressing & trying topics again.
And yet...I couldn't shake it. I was obsessed. I read the newspapers, watched the news (a pastime I normally hate), listened to political talk radio, and generally became either angry or sad or just plain frustrated. But then a little Voice began to talk to me. Typical. After awhile with any topic, that Voice tends to creep up and speak the real Truth I need to hear. This time it was a weird and still familiar message: Quit your BM and P.
I know, I know: does Father really talk to you like that? With a potty mouth? (oooohhh...funny pun alert!) Why yes, in fact, He does. Often. Gets to the point with me - very quickly - just depends on if I am listening. And I heard it loud and clear. But to those not initiated to my strange inter-dialogue (who is but me?), here's the translation:
"Quit your bitchin' & moanin' Ryan, and pray."
Uggghhh. I wish I hadn't been listening. I have heard this one before and I don't really like it. Not because I don't value prayer; not because I don't believe in prayer; not even that I am so consumed with life & issues that I never think to pray. The truth is I do believe it is essential & effective, and I even dialogue with Father often, conversationally. But to actually make time for private prayer, closet prayer - I have never been good at it. I have never been truly disciplined or consistent with it. I can count mere months out of my life where I was pretty darn consistent, but it always faded. And I don't like that at all. I hate failure. With all of my being. You see to me, if I don't stick to it "all of my days", if I don't give it my all, then it isn't right. And if it isn't right, then it isn't perfect. And if it isn't perfect, well then I lose my cool.
Aspects of prayer have always stuck in my crawl. I can't logically justify petitionary prayers to Father who already knows all and sees all. I love the idea of contemplative prayer, meditation, adoration, exultation, and of course conversation. But, asking for things or about things...it bothers me. No, it isn't because I think so little of myself or the act. I know better - Jesus commanded it - and, I am not so thick. It's something else. Philosophical. But I am getting older and I have learned my lessons well. I embrace mystery so much better now that I am older and dumber. Philosophy takes up less of my time. I realize I don't have to know it all. I just need to do and listen. I think that is all prayer (life with God for that matter) really requires in the end.
And I know why Father says it to me when I am on a rampage of paying too much attention. He knows what's best for me. He knows that I have to release the inner turmoil. He knows I need to cry out to someone, and the best Someone is Him. He knows that I must let go or pay the price. My mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual short-circuit-overload is His concern. And of course, He knows above all else, that He is what I need. And prayer is the avenue to Presence. It is the way to be in dependence, not independence.
And that is what the "P" He is prescribing really is: "Stop complaining and moaning and crying and obsessing and being smitten with the grief of the world. Lay down and be enveloped in Me. Tell Me your fears. Ask Me for your needs and even your wants. Shout out your complaints and your anger. I know the beginning and the end. Heck, I AM the Beginning & the End. Simply stop your mind and rest it upon Me. That's what prayer is Son: Dependence. Taking advantage of our re-established line of communication."
So I am listening, Father. I am trying. The drugs of politics, issues, and mayhem are wearing off. My rehab has begun. I have sworn off Drudge, Rush, and Bloomberg. I am trying to diligently take Your prescription. Just be patient with me...I am desperately clinging to mystery instead of an overloaded need for human reason. It's a balance, and I am searching.
And wouldn't you know it, in that searching, it is treasures that I find. Exhibit A, the monk painting above (Monk in Prayer, Edouard Manet): fortuitous, odd, and random. I simply discovered it on a google search; but you know what, I think Father let me find it. He at least gave me the thought of what it means to little ole me. The monk sees the world. He has it right in front of his face. He is not hiding his head in the sand and avoiding the truth (no one should pull an ostrich-pose). He sees life & death and it confronts him face to face, skull to skull. But, instead of obsessing or intricately studying it's imperfections or complex chemistry, this man of the robe turns his face toward heaven. He opens his hands to the One who made it all. He knows where his foundation lies. And he responds to Him not the troubles of his life. I don't know what he is saying. I don't know the man, or the French painter for that matter. But I know what is okay to say to Father in prayer: anything. Just say it. Say anything. Let loose. Father is here, and you are here. Cast your cares of the world & life upon Him. Just let loose and know. Find your freedom through your dependence.
Partake of His Mysteries often,
often as you can, for in Them you find
your sole, entire remedy...
Jesus has not
impressed this hunger in your heart for nothing.
- St. Therese of Lisieux
It is the prayer of agony which saves the world.
- St. Mary of Jesus
To clasp the hands in prayer is the beginning of an uprising against the disorder of the world.
- Karl Barth
True, whole prayer is nothing but love.
- St. Augustine
Posts
